Monday 18 July 2011

The exclusivity of some home educators

I am, as is generally known, a great enthusiasm for home education. Properly conducted, it can deliver at least as good education that offered by any school, independent or maintained. That for me is all that there is to the matter. I do not think that home educated children are special in any way, nor that they should stick to ‘their own kind’ in any way. For some parents though, there is a pleasing sense of exclusivity about being home educators. There are those who do not even like their kids to play with children who attend school, lest they are contaminated; tempted from the path of righteousness and end up wishing to attend school themselves! It is their duty, as these parents see it, to keep their children from following the broad, primrose path to destruction which schools represent and the best way to do this is to make sure that they only associate with other home educating families.

On one of the home education lists recently, a mother who is about to withdraw her child from school posted that she was feeling nervous about the decision; as well she might. Luckily, her child’s school was well disposed to the whole business and there was every prospect that her kid would be able to maintain friendly relations with those children with whom she had been attending school. Many dedicated home educators must have shook their heads in dismay at this point, wondering what could have possessed this woman even to consider such a course of action. Somebody decided to set her straight, saying:

we see other families almost every day) get-togethers with
other HE families and your daughter will thrive.(If you just spend time
socialising with families whose children are in school, your daughter will
very likely conclude that school is where all the really interesting stuff
happens).


Now the fact is that over 99% of children go to school. If you wish for your child to grow up normally and be able to relate to other young people of her age, she needs to know what is going on in school and be able to talk about it with her peers. It is definitely the case though that with some home educators, they feel that their way of education is somehow more virtuous and enlightened that school. Their children are special and spending too much time with ordinary children might have the effect of making them less so. They might even, horror of horrors, want to go to school themselves if they see too much of schooled children. I don’t see this air of being special and somehow separate from others as being at all healthy for a child. It is likely to breed snobbishness and make them look down on others and regard themselves as being specially favoured in some sense.

When I read the comment which I quote above, it put me in mind of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I know a few home educators who are also Witnesses and their children feel doubly set apart from the ordinary world; saved in two senses. Perhaps the fact that the woman who made the comment is a fanatically devout Catholic has some bearing on the matter, maybe she is used to thinking of herself and her family as being specially blessed in some way. I have certainly encountered this perception among other home educating parents; a cult-like satisfaction about being on the right side against a generally corrupt world. Perhaps it ties in with what I wrote a few weeks ago about conspiracy theories. Maybe some home educators feel that they are right in a far deeper sense than the purely educational.

For me, the tremendous thing about home education was that it was an effective method of educating my child. I think that were I to have ended up feeling that she should not have been spending too much time with ordinary children who were at school, then I should perhaps have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I wonder if readers have come across this attitude themselves? I have an idea that it is far from uncommon, particularly among the more militant and well organised home educators.

20 comments:

  1. Well, my kids know a lot of others who go to school, including close cousins of similar ages. I certainly wouldn't dream of trying to keep them separate from school kids. But, that said, I think it is important (for mine at least) that children have home ed friends. Having friends who understand your day to day life, and with whom you can discuss particular home ed issues, is important, I reckon. I do think that a child who only sees school kids (especially those who they actually knew at school) could feel that they are just missing out and that there is nothing social in home ed that can compare to the time their old school friends get to spend together every day. That doesn't have to be true at all, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My son only knew schooled kids until he was 9 when a HE group started up near us. It didn't bother him as it was his choice to not go to school,not mine. As he got older the schooled children in secondary school had less and less time for him, (too much homework) and there were more and more HEers about so he now only hangs out with his HEed friends.

    I have come across some home educators that feel that HE is so virtuous that they wouldn't let their children go to school even if the children asked to. I suspect those will be the children that grow up to become anti home education, and say that they think it is wrong and should be stopped.

    Anon 1

    ReplyDelete
  3. this sort of attitude you describe, Simon, seems sometimes to be born of a deep distrust (at best) and loathing (at worst) of schooled children, rather than a worry that home educated children may be urged to stray from the Path of Righteousness. The amount of highly prejudiced statements about schoolchildren I've heard in HE circles (from otherwise apparently Nice People) is quite unbelieveable.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My children mix with people they like and avoid the ones they don't as much as they can. I try to do the same (With far less success, I'm sad to say.) They have HE friends, flexi-schooled friends, friends at private schools and a variety of state ones. Maybe it's the dread autism rearing it's head yet again, but I've never heard them discussing education. They meet to play games and share interests and that's what they do.

    That said, it can get a little wearing being marked as 'too alternative' by parents of schooled children, and 'too conventional and schooly' by autonomously educated children's parents so I wouldn't say the prejudice is all one way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. But the quote you give doesn't even support this theory about home educators. The said, 'If you just spend time socialising with families'. A good idea, as most school children are tied up for much of the time with school and homework. Much better to have a mix of friends so there are some available whenever you want. Not sure how much good it would do to keep a child who has already attended school from mixing with school children anyway. They already know what school is like! Strange that your daughter doesn't appear to have any home educated friends. Did you veer in the opposite direction to your theoretical home educators and only allow her to mix with school children at clubs?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sarah, in Italy18 July 2011 at 05:34

    *I don’t see this air of being special and somehow separate from others as being at all healthy for a child*

    Didn't feel too healthy for this mother either. It was the special\separate bit being such an in your face element of our local group that I found particularly uncomfortable.

    He was the one who point blank refused to hang around with the other home educated kids again, but was I ever relieved. Oh yes.

    IF your group is a bad fit, then it is a bad fit, no point trying to shove round pegs into square holes for the sake of a single factor that you have in common with them. If your kid has friends who are at school and he loves being in their company, then why not make sure it gets the priority your child would like placed upon it?

    Maybe my son HAS been infected with the idea that school is where the interesting stuff happens, thanks to socializing exclusively with schooled children. Especially since he has waited right up until I had ordered the books for next academic year before revealing that all things considered, he want to move up to middle school with all his friends.

    I can live with that (or at least I will once I have emerged from the duvet cocoon where I am currently whimpering) far more easily than I could with the idea that I was seeking to control his social choices (AGAINST his clearly expressed wishes) in order to gain covert control over his vision of mainstream ed.

    Sarah, in Italy, coming to terms with being a former home educator and wibbling madly. But I'll be fine. Once I've worked out what to do with myself all day. Everyday. For hours at a time. Whimper. With any luck he'll need lots of help with homework (brightens a little). Who is posting after a long absence (due to final year elementary exams being v.v. scary and requiring most of my time\energy) almost as a sort of adieu to her status as a home educator more than anything else. It just feels like it has been a big enough part of my life that it needs a proper send off from me. (=

    Wishing well all the home educators I have chatted to over the last couple years, thanks for the advice, tips, ears and chance to argue a hind leg of a donkey, best of luck and happy home edding to you all.

    Wanders off to find resources about transitioning a kid to secondary school. With no leaking from the eye area at all. Perish the thought. (muffled sobby noise)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Good to hear from you again, Sarah, and good luck to you and your son. We also gave our children a free choice. One went for a term, the other for a little less so you may be back again! It does depend a lot on the friends they manage to make though, I think. We were lucky and managed to find a great group after they gave up on school and I think it made all the difference. Now they have both home educated and school attending friends and I can honestly say that I can't tell the difference. All can be equally silly, kind, chatty with adults and fall in and out of friendships as easily as each other. Again, I suppose this could just be luck, or where we live, or just the type of friends our children pick, but I doubt it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sarah in Italy18 July 2011 at 06:17

    *so you may be back again!*

    Waves to AnonySue

    I'm keeping that little nugget in a safe place (currently called my "go to your happy place" place), but knowing what I'm like, I'm trying not to focus on it too much cos I don't want it to interfere in my giving him wholehearted support once he is back.

    Which he will need cos you should see the amount of homework they pile on here.

    And how fecking awful the "mamma superiore" school gate politics are. (hunts out camoflauge outfit in attempt to blend in with school garden shrubs)

    We've been a bit hamstrung by HE being so rare here, and the newly formed group having such a strong specific flavour that I don't think they realize how full on and exclusive it comes across to people who are not entirely on the same page.

    At least I could avoid them though. No such luck at the school gate. (inner groan) Not to mention the bloody army of secretaries and all their beurocracy shaped tourture (more groaning).

    Oh well.

    I'm proud of him for feeling he could make a decision, he worked so hard at working out and evaluating the pros and cons. If nothing else I think HE has given him that sense of confidence and ability to see both the details and the bigger picture. And I'd guess that he'll be going in as one of the more able of the class, which will make the experience very distinct from elementary school.

    I think he'll transition just fine. Less sure about me with a big hole in my "things to do" list. I think I may have to take up knitting ...........or something.

    Gin maybe ? ( ;

    ( ^ massive over reaction in progress)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous at 4.17, I agree. It seems obvious for parents and children to find friends who are like-minded, and in the UK (unlike Italy, where poor Sarah had no choice) there are so many HE families in most areas that it's not hard to find at least one or two that you get on with. For us, a circle of HE friends at home and the opportunity of meeting many more at HESFes and camps was very important. Although my children always had schooled friends, which I also think is important, they had things in common with their HE friends that their schooled ones just didn't 'get'. And I think if they had *only* had schooled friends they would probably have felt they were missing out on all the fun and wanted to go themselves. It was important to them, particularly when they were older, to have friends they could hang out with on a daily basis. As it was, they could make an informed choice.
    I think the post you quote shows the opposite of exclusivity, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sarah, good luck! I've always enjoyed your posts and I'll miss you. I hope you find something else to throw yourself into soon :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. ' Strange that your daughter doesn't appear to have any home educated friends. Did you veer in the opposite direction to your theoretical home educators and only allow her to mix with school children at clubs? '

    Not entirely sure why you should think this. One of her closest friends was educated at home. It is simply that since 99% or more of children are at school, this was roughly the percentage of her friends who were not home educated. Part of the whole home education scene is about providing social opportunities for parents anyway. Since I never felt the need to hunt out a social circle, I just kept the friends I had; many of whom are teachers, social workers and so on.

    Simon.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The 'fecking awful Mama Superiore school gate politics' have been a part of HE for years.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "It is simply that since 99% or more of children are at school, this was roughly the percentage of her friends who were not home educated."

    LOL! So one HE friend and 99+ school using friends? Isn't that overdoing the friend thing a bit? Was this the HE friend who lived in America, or does that make it two?

    "The 'fecking awful Mama Superiore school gate politics' have been a part of HE for years."

    I think they are part of human life (not just school or HE) - you just have to try to avoid falling into the trap yourself and avoid them where possible.

    ReplyDelete
  14. "Part of the whole home education scene is about providing social opportunities for parents anyway."

    I already had plenty of friends too, but I made many more in the home education "scene". It's always good to have friends who get what you're doing, and why, who you can exchange ideas and experiences with and talk about problems without school being offered as the solution! Maybe you didn't need that, Simon, but I did. The HE network provides a lot more than just social opportunities!

    ReplyDelete
  15. 'LOL! So one HE friend and 99+ school using friends? Isn't that overdoing the friend thing a bit? Was this the HE friend who lived in America, or does that make it two?'

    I can hardly be bothered to respond to this. I said, 'One of her closest friends was educated at home.' I did not say that this was her only home educated friend, nor did I say that she had ninety nine other friends who attended school. I was pointing out that home educated children are rare and so the majority of her friends were at school.

    Simon.

    ReplyDelete
  16. "I can hardly be bothered to respond to this."

    It was a joke, Simon. You said that school children make up 99% of children and Simone's friends followed roughly that ratio. Obviously this could only be the case if she had at least 100 friends, now it seems it's several hundred - JOKE.

    "I was pointing out that home educated children are rare and so the majority of her friends were at school."

    Rare? There must have been several class sized groups within easy reach of your home. This was true for us and we live a less populated area of the country. It was easier for us to meet HE children than school children because they were around during the day.

    ReplyDelete
  17. 'Rare? There must have been several class sized groups within easy reach of your home.'

    Yes, rare compared with schooled children. Roughly a hundred times as rare.

    Simon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "Yes, rare compared with schooled children. Roughly a hundred times as rare."

    Well yes, but my children met more home educated children than the average school child would meet in their class at school (and most school children only really mix with their class, or at most, their year group). They regularly mixed with the equivalent of several classes of school children. A school child would also meet other children at other activities outside school. So did my children. They would also meet children in their street, family members, friends of friends, etc. So did my children.

    So yes, HE children might be rare when compared to the total number of children in the country, but no child meets that number of children, do they? My children probably had the choice of about 90 children to be friends with at any point in time. The majority of these were home educated, just because home education meetings involved large groups of children whereas they tended to meet school educated children either in the street, they were relatives, or friends of friends or in smaller groups at activity meetings.

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Well yes, but my children met more home educated children than the average school child would meet in their class at school"

    It's probably obvious but I meant they regularly met more children than most school children do. Obviously school children aren't going to meet many home educated children in their class.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, it's an odd idea that anyone's friends will be representative of the whole of society, isn't it? I mean, we meet our friends as we live our lives. For this reason I know a 'disproportionate' number of librarians, home educators, lesbians and Brightonians! It's not that I make 'exclusive' choices, it's just about who I meet. Similarly, my children have met lots of home educated children because we attend home educators' events and groups.

    ReplyDelete