Tuesday 31 July 2012

On compelling and forbidding children



Commenting here recently, somebody expressed interest in how I had been able to forbid my child certain things without creating arguments and tension. This strikes me as such a simple business, that I was at first reluctant to devote a piece to the subject. Assuming that the question was meant seriously though, I shall outline the methods used to ensure that a child does not do or even ask for those things of which you, as parent, disapprove. I will not go into the ethics of the case, merely the mechanics of the process.

My daughter was forbidden to watch television or eat ice cream or sweets. Television was a simple and straightforward matter. Because she did not go to nursery or school, she was unaware that slumping alone in front of a screen, watching cartoons and other rubbish, was the main and preferred leisure activity of many children, and adults too for that matter. We have only a fourteen inch screen, anyway, so it is hardly a prominent feature in the home. She grew up never once seeing her parents watch television. If there was something we wished to see, we recorded it and watched it once she was in bed. For her, the very concept of watching a live broadcast was wholly unknown and so she did not know that she was missing out on anything. She would not even have asked to watch television, because she did not realise that ’watching television’ was an activity in itself.

Films about nature and programmes about science are a valuable learning tool and so I used to tape those and let her watch them with me as a treat. It was invariably a shared activity and she never once sat down alone in front of the television. She enjoyed seeing things like the ’Science in Action’ schools’ programmes and David Attenborough and I used these as a reward, a way that we could unwind together. Because this was how our home was constituted, it did not seem odd to her and she never once asked to ’watch television’. Now that she is home for the summer at the age of eighteen, there are of course no restrictions at all upon what she may or may not do. Since she returned a month ago, she has not once switched on the television set. The virtues of early conditioning!

Ice creams were a slightly different case. I would only let her have one when we visited the seaside in the summer. She never asked for one at any other time, because she knew it would have been pointless.

The way to establish such routines and ensure that the child obeys them unquestioningly is by absolute consistency. If you fall into that all too common habit of intermittent reinforcement, whereby you sometimes give in to your child’s requests for a generally forbidden item or activity; then you are lost. Like a gambler who has once won the jackpot, the child will get into the way of nagging and pleading until you give in. I never once varied these rules when she was small and she accordingly knew that there was no point even raising the subject.

I had supposed that things like this were common knowledge among the more enlightened type of parent, but judging from a few comments here, this is perhaps not always the case. There is no cruelty involved in the thing; the child who grows up without ever watching a television broadcast, will not miss it. She cannot possibly do so; the very concept is unknown to her. We cannot miss what we have never known. The case of ice creams is a little different, as my daughter did see other children enjoying them. She knew though that the rule was as fixed and immutable as that of the Medes and Persians. Even if she felt any longing for such a thing at times other than when we were visiting the seaside; she knew that it was hopeless to ask. I do not think it at all a bad thing for children to learn that there are things that they cannot have, no matter how much they might want them. As God He knows, this is a lesson that they need to learn in life and the sooner the better!

60 comments:

  1. "Since she returned a month ago, she has not once switched on the television set. The virtues of early conditioning!"

    You daughter has mentioned watching Black Books with you, the recent series of Shakespeare plays, Wimbledon and the Olympics with her mum and over the past year she has mentioned watching Dr Who, Sherlock Holmes and various other TV programmes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 'she has mentioned watching Dr Who, Sherlock Holmes and various other TV programmes.'

    Slightly odd and perhaps not altogether healthy for an adult to monitor a teenage girl's recreational activities in this way over a long period of time! She has no television and watches these on her laptop, often in order to live tweet on the content. But then, I dare say you already knew that...

    'You daughter has mentioned watching Black Books with you, the recent series of Shakespeare plays, Wimbledon and the Olympics with her mum and over the past year she has mentioned watching Dr Who, Sherlock Holmes and various other TV programmes.'

    Indeed yes, mainly watched on the computer as recorded programmes. The television, alas, sits neglected in the corner... This neatly illustrates what I was talking about above. She selects anything she wishes to watch from what has been on, rather than switching on the television and watching what is being offered. She has actually acquired what one might almost describe as a taboo from her early childhood; a superstitious reluctance to turn on the television set to see what is on at the moment!
    We certainly all sat down together to watch Shakespeare. Not sure though what bearing this has on the subject of the post, but I suppose that since every detail of my daughter's life is of interest to you, this would be the kind of thing you would notice!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have always took the view with chess matches wining is the A Star we need! many parents think losing is ok
    wonder why? i think Webb took this view with his daughter when she kept losing chess game that it was ok?

    ReplyDelete
  4. There's a difference between watching TV and watching the same TV programme on a computer?

    ReplyDelete
  5. 'There's a difference between watching TV and watching the same TV programme on a computer?'

    A huge difference for teenagers. When something is being watched on the laptop, it is just one of the things going on. This is particularly the case when the programme is recorded and being watched after it has been broadcast. Typically, the teenager will be watching the thing, while chatting to friends on instant messenger, perhaps checking emails and various other activities. It is a dynamic process which most people over thirty or forty find hard to keep up with.

    Watching a broadcast on the television set, by comparison, tends to be an essentialy passive and static affair. You will see this if you watch people viewing something like Strictly Come Dancing. They are in general not engaging with the world, but are rather immersed in the programme. That is why there is a trend for bigger and brighter screens and now 3D television; the idea being that the viewer becomes lost in the experience.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Watching a broadcast on the television set, by comparison, tends to bean essentialy passive and static affair."

    Not really. It's even easier to use your laptop for other things if the screens not cluttered up with TV programmes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Slightly odd and perhaps not altogether healthy for an adult to monitor a teenage girl's recreational activities in this way over a long period of time!"

    Err, me and 2000+ others, many who look at least as old as me. I follow many other people's lives through twitter too (at least the parts they're willing to share), that's how twitter works! I probably remember these particular programmes because her tweets reminded me of programmes I may otherwise have missed. I'm sure there were others that were of less interest to me that I've forgotten.

    "She selects anything she wishes to watch from what has been on, rather than switching on the television and watching what is being offered."

    That's how many people use their TV too. But some of her tweets would be impossible without watching at least some live TV even if it is on a computer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Simon Webb1 August 2012 08:38
    'Not really. It's even easier to use your laptop for other things if the screens not cluttered up with TV programmes.'

    Golly, it's plain to me that you have in the past fallen into some very strange ways! I have certainly known people watch one programme on a laptop, while doing other things. Never in my life have I encountered anybody, the screen of whose laptop was, 'cluttered up with TV programmes'! Tell me, purely as a matter of interest, how many were you watching simultaneously? And did you have some Road to Damascus type conversion, when you suddenly realised that it was no good to have your screen 'cluttered up with TV programmes'? I am intrigued about this. Am I also right in assuming that you are over forty; that is to say, did not use computers regularly when you were in your formative years?

    Tell me also, if it does not seem too intrusive, are you the same Anonymous who has been tracking a teenage girl's television and computer use for the last year, apparently making notes about it as you do so? It is to be hoped that you are not attempting to home educate at the same time that you pursue this interest in teenage girls! I understand that obsessions of that sort take up a lot of time and would certainly interfere with providing a child with a proper education.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Never in my life have I encountered anybody, the screen of whose laptop was, 'cluttered up with TV programmes'!"

    LOL, yes I suppose it did read that way, but I suspect you know what I mean. It's easier to multitask on a laptop whilst also watching TV if you have more screen space available for word processor, web browser, instant messenger windows etc.

    ReplyDelete
  10. " I do not think it at all a bad thing for children to learn that there are things that they cannot have, no matter how much they might want them."

    I don't think parents need to go out of their easy to teach their children this. Life inevitably does this far more efficiently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our even, go out of their way! BTW, what's wrong with blogger today? I keep seeing messages appearing and disappearing on your blog today.

      Delete
  11. 'Did she ever see Bagpuss?'

    She didn't see any children's programmes at all! Recently, she has been getting me to watch Black Books with her, of which I had never heard. I gather from what you said on here recently that you and your daughter are also fans? You might be amused by this, Allie:

    http://www.edexec.co.uk/news/2120/oxford-changes-dress-code-for-transgender-students/

    Her views on this issue now seem to have circled the globe!

    ReplyDelete
  12. 'Err, me and 2000+ others'

    This trick of beginning a response with 'Err' is something of a verbal tic with this particular home educating woman. See:

    'Errr - because they have no legal duty to do so??' from Home Ed Biz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL err, afraid not. I've never posted on that site and I think I've only visited it after following links you've provided. Who am I being confused with now?

      Delete
  13. I think dress codes are pretty odd all round but this seems to be a sensible solution for an institution so into its dressing up.
    I couldn't have given my children a childhood devoid of the joys of Oliver Postgate. I wonder if that is a generation thing. I have such warm memories of the songs and stories in Bagpuss. Was there no TV from your own childhood that you wanted to share with her?

    ReplyDelete
  14. "Tell me also, if it does not seem too intrusive, are you the same Anonymous who has been tracking a teenage girl's television and computer use for the last year, apparently making notes about it as you do so?"

    Yet you had no difficulty remembering the illnesses suffered by various home educators and their children that you read about over the last year or so. So why are you surprised when someone else remembers mention of various TV shows that they they enjoy watching by someone they follow on twitter? We've been fans of Black Books for years, for instance. Especially when must of the comments have been made over the last month or so, shortly followed by you claiming that it does not happen.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We have friends who took this approach. They had a portable TV and video player but no TV signal, so not even the parents watched live TV (which seems fairer). However, my children gave up on them coming round here to play without their parents, as all they wanted to do was sit in front of our TV. We eventually made sure that we went out when it was their turn to come to our house. Although our children had unrestricted access to TV, we invariably watched it together (and have fond memories of some favourites) and they usually preferred other activities, given a choice.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Somehow, this all sounds rather puritanical and a little bit sad...

    ReplyDelete
  17. 'Somehow, this all sounds rather puritanical and a little bit sad...'

    I suppose it might be, if we were sitting around the house gloomily, staring longingly at the blank television screen! In fact of course, as I have descibed in today's post, we were really out and about a lot in the evenings and so wouldn't have been in anyway to watch TV. Give a small child the choice of going out for the evening to the opera or theatre or staying in and watching a DVD and you might be surprised at the result. Of course, most children are not given that option regularly and so have to make do with television.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, i've been rather surprised at the number of times my children have refused tickets to the opera! They really WOUlD rather sit at home. This was of course, after having attended a few. They couldn't stand it.

      However, if I offered a theatre outing, they'd have their coats on in seconds.

      Delete
  18. No..not so much watching T.V, the ice-cream thing.
    I'm not surprised at 'results' from taking children to the theatre, my children were raised to appreciate the arts. My daughter is a great fan of the ballet, my eldest son is a regular visitor to the RSC and my younger son quite happy to go to almost any type of performance.
    You see, I never particulary viewed parenthood and family life as an experiment where 'results' were to be evaluated, more of a sharing and nurturing experience. I didn't and still don't particulary feel the need to programme, indoctrinate, dominate or control and I didn't need TCS or any other group or individual instructing me on how to arrive at that attitude.
    My children have a sound work ethic and are well rounded individuals, they achieve by their own hard work and understand to ask for advice or guidance as and when they need it, they also understand the importance of sharing and caring.
    They also have a robust sense of humour, some of which may well have been informed by television but more likely developed through friends and relationships with others.
    When they had ice-cream, we certainly didn't make a fuss about it and didn't feel the need to train them or make any rules regarding it. It was rather nice to treat Ice-cream in a similar manner to any other food..
    To share and appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Forgive me for asking..do you only have the one child?

    ReplyDelete
  20. "I didn't and still don't particulary feel the need to programme, indoctrinate, dominate or control and I didn't need TCS or any other group or individual instructing me on how to arrive at that attitude."

    We didn't *need* to learn about other parenting theories but our family gained a great deal of benefit from our explorations of various theories and approaches. You say your children ask for advice or guidance. Is this only a good thing for children and should they only ask their parents? If it's a 'good thing' for your children to do, why isn't it a good thing for one of the most important tasks adults are likely to undertake? Or do you think it should be left to some kind of instinct? Everyone's parenting is inevitably influenced by a host of external influences. I see nothing wrong with actively searching out and evaluating a range of ideas, picking out any aspects that make sense and work for us as a family.

    ReplyDelete
  21. 'Everyones parenting is inevitably influenced by a host of external influences'

    So you chose to be influenced by a bunch of whackos who were heavily influenced by Karl Popper.

    Hadn't you heard of Karl Popper before TCS?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Amongst many other influences, yes. Though obviously I don't see then as 'whackos'. Why does it matter if I had heard of Popper before or after reading TCS? To be honest I can't remember as I read lots of material before, during and after reading TCS. I don't remember Popper's name cropping up on the TCS list. The list seemed to concentrate more on practical day-to-day situations.

    ReplyDelete
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