One of the most terrifying discoveries which we make as adults is that every day we face a literally infinite number of choices. For many of us, this is such a frightening thought that we block it out and deliberately reduce the choices which are open to us. We do this by defining ourselves as 'good parents' or 'Christians' or even 'socialists'. These labels are all ways of limiting the options open to us. If we call ourselves 'good parents' then the option of starving, killing or abusing our children is removed. If we are 'Christians', then we cannot steal or commit adultery and so on. This can be reassuring when we are faced by countless choices. The truth is that we are all of us really no more than the sum of our actions, which are in turn the result of the choices we have made.
This freedom to act is of course the source of existential angst, the terrible anxiety with which infinite choice fills us. Kierkegaard, an early existentialist put it thus:
'Dread is the dizziness of freedom which occurs when freedom gazes into its own possibility'.
One could hardly live like this, getting up each day and not knowing if one was going to make breakfast, stand on one's head, run out of the house naked or cut the kids' throats and then burn down the house! It is for this reason that we suppress many of our choices and lead fairly mundane and predictable lives. Few adults can live comfortably with the prospect of infinite choice.
If this is the case with adults, how much more so is it likely to be the case with children. If we as adults are terrified of staring into that abyss of absolute freedom to act as we wish, imagine what a child would feel! This is one of the reasons why we restrict the choices available to children. For the average child, even making the decision whether to have cereal or toast can be quite enough, without being presented with a range of literally unlimited options. Our children tell us this plainly when they are young. A child has sheets of blank paper, an array of coloured pencils and complete freedom to draw anything. Typically, he sits there for a while and then says to his mother, 'What shall I draw?' The fact that he is free to draw anything in Heaven or on Earth, or even something from his own imagination is just too much for him sometimes. Our children say things like, 'I'm bored, what shall I do?' or they ask us what they can read or a thousand other questions. Too much choice is confusing and a little scary for children, just as it is for most adults.
It isn't just the choices that are alarming. With freedom of choice comes responsibility. Now as an adult, I am quite happy with this. I have chosen to write this blog post and if it irritates people, as quite often seems to happen, I alone take responsibility for that. Many adults don't like this feeling of being responsible. They try to dodge the issue by claiming, 'I didn't have any choice' or, 'My husband made me do it', or 'I couldn't do that because of the children'. Once again, we see adults anxious to avoid the consequence of their choices, not wanting so many choices. Thrusting such responsibilities upon children can be cruel. It is frightening for a child to feel that he is in control and not his parents. A large part of the security of childhood consists of this feeling of being protected and cared for, of having little responsibility and accepting that others make decisions on your behalf. There will soon enough come a time when the child becomes an adult and has to face being grown-up and taking responsibility for her decisions. There is certainly no need to hasten this process by passing control of important matters to the child and allowing her to assume the responsibility at a young age.
Some adults revel in this autonomy. They love the feeling of being in control of their own lives, making decisions and choosing what will happen next. Others prefer somebody else to make their decisions for them. As parents, we gradually allow our children small amounts of autonomy as they grow older, the aim being that one day they will become self-sufficient adults who control their own destinies. Making them into autonomous beings at too young an age may be harmful to their psychological health. They are being given power that they are not really able to handle. This is because part of being an autonomous person is that you are able to fully appreciate the likely consequences of your actions. You balance the possible outcomes and decide on one course of action or another. Adults can do this and foresee what might happen as a result of their actions even a quarter of a century from now. Think of somebody arranging a mortgage of twenty fives years; the person is looking into the distant future and visualising what will happen. This takes years of practice and we all of us, even after fifty years or so of doing this, still make poor choices. Children are simply not capable of doing this. It is enough for them if they can imagine six months ahead, never mind twenty years! They cannot, nor should they be asked to, make decisions which will affect their lives for decades to come. The long-term consequences of such choices are simply too great and beyond their comprehension. They will have to live with those consequences for many years and it is simply unfair to put this responsibility upon them in childhood.
When adults seek to establish their own autonomy by claiming the freedom to make decisions and to abide by the consequences of those decisions, it is very right and proper. This is called growing up and it is sad that some outwardly grown-up people never seem to reach this stage of maturity! To hasten this developmental stage by forcing children to assume autonomy is a different matter entirely. In such a case, their autonomy is not a freely chosen path, but one thrust upon them by their parents. The result of being compelled to accept adult autonomy in this way might well be to precipitate prematurely the angst of which men like Kierkegaard wrote. In short, it is likely to do more harm than good,
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'One of the most terrifying discoveries which we make as adults is that every day we face a literally infinite number of choices.'
ReplyDeleteActually, I think that was cellulite for me.
Simon, the angst-ridden AE child thing. Have you come across many of them? I haven't.
Mrs Anon
'Simon, the angst-ridden AE child thing. Have you come across many of them? I haven't.'
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm considering the matter philosophically and trying to think of possible consequences. I have certainly met young people in their early twenties who have a kind of grievance because they felt that they had too much control during their childhood and found it frightening. I think that children need to feel that their parents are in control and that if they do not feel this it can lead to insecurity. I was not talking particularly about home educated children, but more generally about a certain type of childhood.
In theory, we have an infinite number of choices. In practice, those choices are heavily weighted - some of them involving little effort and others being hugely problematic. For most of us, 'choice' is the outcome of an evaluation (conscious or otherwise) of cognitive load on the one hand, and reward from the experience on the other.
ReplyDeleteI never choose not to have breakfast because I don't like feeling hungry and light-headed. My son will choose to read a book about sub-atomic physics rather than do KS1 spelling, because he can read easily and he finds physics exciting, whereas he finds handwriting and spelling a huge challenge. It would not surprise me at all if he suddenly decides spontaneously to improve his handwriting and spelling, since he did the same thing with maths, and that used to be a no-go area.
Having used a child-led approach to education for a couple of years at home and having seen it used very successfully in school, I've never seen children paralysed by choice or angst-ridden because of it. This is because each activity tends to be weighted by the last. My children, and children in the child-led school, go through phases of interest. They explore dinosaurs until they know all they want to about dinosaurs, and then a chance comment about chocolate gets them into south american history or the biochemistry of plants.
The choice isn't infinite in real terms.
lol! I'm intrigued by the idea of 'forcing children to assume autonomy'! If I tried to do that with my kids, they'd autonomously refuse! I have a mental picture of myself standing over a sobbing 2-year-old, saying 'You WILL choose which coat to wear, because I say so!'
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly obvious when children want to make an autonomous decision, and when they need help. No oxymorons needed.
and...my post has disappeared...so it is now living here, scroll down to comments.
ReplyDeletehttp://homeschoolinitaly.blogspot.com/2009/04/not-fit-for-purposeallegedly.html
Once again you've made me laugh, Simon. I can honestly say that neither of my children ever asked me what to draw and I could probably count on one hand the number of times either of them ever said they were bored. In a house full of opportunities and (perhaps most importantly) with an available adult to chat with, such everyday matters didn't seem to phase them ;-)
ReplyDeleteI do think that very young children need a framework of predictability in their day to day lives - around which they can make their choices. The framework changes as they grow up but I still feel that we provide it for our children - meals, bed time books etc.
Like most of these questions, I suspect that most of us fall on a line somewhere between our children having lots of choice or not much at all.
I think that if parents provide a safe, predictable and intellectually stimulating environment at home, most children feel easily secure enough to make their own choices. If the background is stable, the children are relaxed and happy.
ReplyDeleteAnd too little choice leads to rebellion, doesn't it? With - arguably - an inability to think for oneself later in life.
But I agree that it's variable, according to circumstances and personality.
Often if a child is having difficulties making a choice, it's because they haven't got all the information they need. If my 2-yr-old has a meltdown because he can't decide which coat to wear, it may be that he needs me to take the decision out of his hands, or it may be that with the right info the autonomous choice becomes easier. For example, 'It's cold and wet outside. If you wear this coat you'll get cold and wet too, and if you wear that one you'll stay warm and dry.'
ReplyDeleteAs usual, you are assuming that autonomy is synonymous with neglect.
"As usual, you are assuming that autonomy is synonymous with neglect."
ReplyDeleteNot sure that I would agree with this. I regard autonomy as a very good and valuable thing; I thrive on it as an adult. Who or what am I neglecting by doing so?
'And too little choice leads to rebellion, doesn't it? With - arguably - an inability to think for oneself later in life.'
ReplyDeleteRebellion by adolescents is not necessarily a bad thing. It is how teenagers show us that they are seizing control of their lives and assuming autonomy. By this, it is they who are setting the pace for the acquisition of such power and not us as parents.
'Often if a child is having difficulties making a choice, it's because they haven't got all the information they need.'
ReplyDeleteAlmost impossible to give a child all the information which she needs. In order to understand why walking is better than going by car, the child would need to be taught about the cardiovascular system, obesity, high blood pressure and the elevated risk of type 2 diabetes in later life. Telling an eight or nine year old the percentage increase in risk of developing type 2 diabetes per kilo of excess weight at age fifty would be pointless and yet it is the sort of thing she would need to know in order to make an informed choice. That is why it is our job to konw these things and make the choices for our children. Talking about the risk of premature death from obesity, the real reason why we want them to get exercise, would simply make them anxious. Far better both for parent and child to announce, 'We're walking'.
'I regard autonomy as a very good and valuable thing; I thrive on it as an adult. Who or what am I neglecting by doing so?'
ReplyDeleteI should have said, as usual, you are assuming that allowing or encouraging children to make autonomous choices is synonymous with neglect. I thought it was clear that I was talking about children, not adults.
'Almost impossible to give a child all the information which she needs. In order to understand why walking is better than going by car...'
ReplyDeleteI said 'often'. The choice of walking or driving is not always the child's to make, since she would not be doing the driving.
"Rebellion by adolescents is not necessarily a bad thing. It is how teenagers show us that they are seizing control of their lives and assuming autonomy. By this, it is they who are setting the pace for the acquisition of such power and not us as parents."
ReplyDeleteExcept that it quite often is a bad and dangerous thing, with horrible consequences. If teenagers have to fight to wrestle their power away from us, they're not really in a position to be making healthy and wise decisions.
Also, if they're in the habit of being directed by more experienced, older people then they quite often simply transfer that role to people outside the home they might happen to meet along their rebellious path.
Result: parents having no input or position of guidance, teenagers careering out of control, potentially unscrupulous characters having the opportunity to capitalise out of the ensuing chaos and destruction.
A sadly common story.
' I thought it was clear that I was talking about children, not adults.'
ReplyDeleteI don't think that I said anything in this post to suggest that I regard this style of parenting as neglectful. Mistaken perhaps, but that is quite a different matter.
'Also, if they're in the habit of being directed by more experienced, older people then they quite often simply transfer that role to people outside the home they might happen to meet along their rebellious path.'
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how common this is. More likely is that after being directed to observe a certain bedtime, the teenager will decide that he should be making his own coices in that area of his life. Most teenage 'rebellion' is really more the negotiated handing over of power; rather like the end of colonialism in Africa. I certainly think that the person initiating this should be the child and not the adult.
'I said 'often'. The choice of walking or driving is not always the child's to make, since she would not be doing the driving.'
ReplyDeleteI have been racking my brains to come up with a situation where a nine year old child is as knowledgable as an adult and thus equally well placed to make an informed choice. Even when a child has been given the facts, the very nature of childhood makes it all but impossible for a nine year-old to visualise a consequence twenty years down the line. We as adults are able to do this and so it makes more sense for us to make the decisions.
'I don't think that I said anything in this post to suggest that I regard this style of parenting as neglectful.'
ReplyDeleteNot in this post perhaps, but many times in the past.
'I have been racking my brains to come up with a situation where a nine year old child is as knowledgable as an adult and thus equally well placed to make an informed choice.'
I'm racking my brains to understand how you could *not*. Nine-year-olds make informed decisions all the time. How can I be better informed than my nine-year-old about how hungry she is? Even newborn babies know when they're hungry, and if they're fed on demand, they decide when and how much to eat. How do I know better than my nine-year-old whether she needs the toilet, or who she wants to be friends with? How can I decide what book she wants to read, which dvd to rent or what research topic inspires her?
Obviously a nine-year-old's choices are more limited than an adult's; for example, she earns very little money and she can only cook a few dishes, so her choice of food is mostly limited to what I'm willing to prepare and decide to buy, and haribo sweets are not on the menu for breakfast. But she's quite capable of choosing from the range of healthy foods that I provide. Equally, she's capable of choosing from the range of educational opportunities that she is offered.
Nobody has unlimited choices. You say you thrive on autonomy, but that doesn't mean that you can keep a giraffe in the bedroom, or become an astronaut. Nobody, really, even has 'a range of literally unlimited options' to choose from for breakfast.
Have I hit on another misunderstanding of the nature of autonomy? It does not preclude giving children information which will help them to make informed choices, and it does not preclude placing realistic limits on the available options.
Thank you, Claire! As I have pointed out before, you can't know better than someone else what is going on in their thoughts and feelings. That's why we have to tread carefully when we make decisions for children. It's why I try to minimise that.
ReplyDeleteFifty years ago it was common practice for young children to be separated from their parents on admission to hospital and limited visiting hours were imposed. Siblings often weren't allowed in at all. The adults who imposed those conditions on children were of the opinion that it was better for the patient (other children are full of germs!) and led to a more orderly and efficient hospital. It actually led to much unnecessary suffering and fear. Clearly the small children involved couldn't make a decision based on statistics about infection but they did know how they felt. How they felt was important.
'Nobody has unlimited choices. You say you thrive on autonomy, but that doesn't mean that you can keep a giraffe in the bedroom, or become an astronaut. Nobody, really, even has 'a range of literally unlimited options' to choose from for breakfast.'
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary, my choices in the morning are literally unlimited. I could eat breakfast or not eat breakfast. I could instead leave the house and go for a walk, I could do this while wearing a variety of different clothing or no clothing at all. I could take my breakfast with me and eat it while walking, I could stop walking at some point and crawl on my hands and knees. I could lay down in the street, I could watch television or read a book, I could simply go back to bed or do some gardening rather than having breakfast. At every second of the day, my choices are infinite. I have deliberately forced limits upon myself so that I do not have to confront these choices. If I was forced to confront this freedom constantly, then I would probably fall victim to a little angst myself!
' Clearly the small children involved couldn't make a decision based on statistics about infection but they did know how they felt. How they felt was important.'
ReplyDeleteBy the same reasoning we should stop dental treatment for children if they don't like it. Many children have feelings about having somebody poking about in their mouths and perhaps we should respect those feelings. Once again, our children are not capable of making an informed choice because they are not capable of visualising chronic dental problems at the age of forty or fifty. Nor can they really be expected to understand
the mechanism by which sugar causes tooth decay or fruit juice dental erosion. Because of these limitations, we make the choice for them.
Well, back in the day when children's fears about dentistry were largely ignored, many children were traumatised. I have met several people of my age and older who were so frightened by their childhood experiences of dentists that they have neglected their teeth as adults. The consequences of imposing an adult will on a child are not always immediately obvious and adults aren't always great at foreseeing consequences either, are they?
ReplyDeleteYou seem to characterise children's objections to adult wishes as somehow inherently foolish and so best ignored. Did you never make any errors of judgement when making decisions for your daughter?
'At every second of the day, my choices are infinite.'
ReplyDeleteWell, no. They are diverse but finite, and they have consequences which may not be desirable. If you go to the shop naked, you may find yourself being arrested or sectioned, which would foreclose future opportunities to make choices. What point are you trying to make?
'By the same reasoning we should stop dental treatment for children if they don't like it.
Many children have feelings about having somebody poking about in their mouths and perhaps we should respect those feelings.'
Of course we should respect their feelings. We can't always give them what they want, but we can acknowledge their feelings, and we can weigh up the pros and cons of each situation, and work out, with the child, how to make it as untraumatic as possible. It's not always necessary to have decayed milk teeth filled or extracted, but permanent teeth are a different matter. By the time they have permanent teeth, most children can be reasoned with, as long as they haven't been traumatised by frightening experiences, over which they had no control at all, early on. My children liked their teeth,
didn't want to lose them, and didn't like having toothache. They were also quite keen on the stickers, and the latex gloves that look like udders when you blow them up. There was no need to threaten them with chronic dental problems in 45 years' time. They could make an informed choice based on things that mattered to them, at the time.
"'Also, if they're in the habit of being directed by more experienced, older people then they quite often simply transfer that role to people outside the home they might happen to meet along their rebellious path.'
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how common this is. More likely is that after being directed to observe a certain bedtime, the teenager will decide that he should be making his own coices in that area of his life."
I think you must have enjoyed quite a sheltered life then Simon.
"Most teenage 'rebellion' is really more the negotiated handing over of power; rather like the end of colonialism in Africa."
In most cases of serious teenage rebellion I've seen, it would be stretching a point beyond credibility to describe it in such peaceful, magnanimous terms.
"I certainly think that the person initiating this should be the child and not the adult."
In all of the home educating families whose children are autonomously home educating of which I'm aware - without exception - the initiation comes from the child and not the adult. That's rather the idea, isn't it?