Wednesday 6 October 2010

Teach and forget; a common strategy for parents

I want to look today at what motives parents might have for teaching their children systematically and then forgetting that they have done such a thing; in effect, airbrushing this from their family history. This is by no means uncommon among both home educating parents and also those who send their children to school. Some motives for this are restricted to home educators and so I shall deal with these first.

Quite a few home educating parents seem to feel almost ashamed to be seen to be pushing their children academically and those who do ensure that the children study literacy and mathematics in a structured and traditional way often conceal this from other parents. I want to think about this first and see if we can discover what could be responsible for this extraordinary state of affairs; educators who seem to be embarrassed about educating! There are several reasons why home educating parents might behave in this way. Before we go any further, I want to make it quite clear that I do not want to become bogged down in terminology here. I am talking about parents who teach their children and then keep quiet about it afterwards or try to erase it from their minds. I do not mind whether we call this coercive education and contrast it with autonomous, or whether we talk of imposed teaching and compare it with unschooling or informal education. The fact is, that parents do it.

Many, but not of course all, home educating groups are ambivalent about teaching and imposing discipline upon children. I have heard from parents who say that when they have said 'No' to their child at a group, they are stared at as though they are child abusers. One mother mentioned that her eight year-old son would be studying for GCSEs when he was older and the reaction was very hostile. How could she possibly know that he would do this? Wasn't she being presumptuous? Did she not want to give the boy a choice when he was older? I think that quite a few readers will know what I am talking about here. Under these circumstances, there is a tendency to adapt to the mores of the group and keep quiet about anything that might smack of 'school at home'. There is also, incidentally, a tendency to pretend that one does not permit visits from the local authority, this being another of those things that many parents are expected to give lip service to. People who accept visits are sometimes made to feel as though they are letting the side down. One sees this attitude a lot on Internet lists. The family who I mentioned yesterday, for example, claimed in the newspaper to be unknown to the council and said that if registration became compulsory they would leave the country. In fact, just as with many other autonomous educators, they enjoy a perfectly amicable relationship with their local HE advisor from the council. This is also common; quite a few parents have visits from their local authority and then keep quiet about it for fear of being thought Quislings!

Conforming to the expectations of a group in order not to be rejected is one reason for maintaining these pretences, but there are other motives at work. Saying, 'We're autonomous' is a bit of a catchphrase in some circles. It makes one sound 'with it'. It's a bit like saying 'We're organic'. It is a shorthand code for a lifestyle rather than merely an educational philosophy. There was of course also the enjoyment during the campaign against the Badman review and Schedule 1 of the Children, Schools and Families Bill of pretending to be part of a persecuted minority. For a while, some of these parents could make out that they would be forced to flee the country or go on the run like desperate criminals! This was the only chance some of these families would ever have to feel like members of a despised minority and it would have been foolish to pass it up. Of course one had to be an autonomous educator to be part of this. Structured educators who were registered with their local authority could not make out that they were threatened by the proposed new law and so many parents denied that they had visits and let everybody think that they too felt that the new law would stop them home educating. This particular game encouraged many home educating parents to pose as being autonomous.


Perhaps the strongest motive for teaching one's child and then forgetting that one has done so is this. People tend to sneer a little at pushy parents and those who appear over anxious for their child to succeed. Let's face it; it looks a bit sad to be so desperate for your child to do better than everybody else's! It is much cooler to pretend that your kid does not have to work hard and that you certainly don't have to put the hours in on their education. When GCSEs were are taking place, every single one of our friends would claim that their children were doing no revision and that it was confidently expected that they would do badly at their exams. This was despite the fact that many of these kids had had private tutors for years and the parents were insisting that they stay in and study practically every night. (To say nothing of completing their coursework for them!) When their children achieved a string of As and A*s, it made it look as though the kids were little geniuses who had managed this without trying. The same thing happens when people teach their children things like reading and mathematics. If they then forget about this, then it looks as though their child must be super bright for being able to learn the thing later without any formal instruction. I must admit that I was tempted to do this myself. Had I kept quiet about all the teaching which I did, then I could have made out that my daughter had 'just picked up' literacy, the four basic arithmetical operations and everything else up to and including calculus. This would have had the double pay-off both of making me appear a laid back and right-on parent and also presenting my child as a real brain-box!

I have to say that there is often no conscious deception involved in this process by the parents. Some of our friends seemed genuinely to have forgotten the years of tutoring, the extra-curricular activities and so on. They honestly seemed to believe that their children's GCSE results were entirely their kid's doing. I am sure that the same thing happens with home educators who spend time teaching their children. If I had my time over again, I might well be inclined to erase all the intensive work with flashcards from my memory and allow my daughter the credit for simply picking up reading of her own accord.

22 comments:

  1. Yes, I'm afraid that I have seen this process at work, over and over again. I've often wondered what was at the root of it.

    My own theory is that parents are desperate to prove they are are GOOD at parenting. It goes to the core of their being. If they (we) believe/claim that our kids learned everything themselves/ got stunning exam resuls with no revision/engineered their way into a great job with no help from us/are utterly brilliant etc then it's because they are incredibly intelligent and independent (both of which society values highly.)

    This must somehow mean that *we* are brilliant people and obviously highly intelligent ourselves. A kind of relected glory.

    Of course, all this breaks down when you have a child with learning difficulties. LOL! You can make no such pretence.

    When I realised that there was a race on to see whose child smiled/ talked/ walked/ clapped/ ran/ jumped first, among my mother and baby group parents, I was mortified because my daughter always lost. (She has a serious, life-long, developmental disability but that wasn't known at the time.)

    From then on, it was pointless for me to compete in the Brilliant Child Race. Actually, that was good in a way, because it meant i had to focus entirely on her needs, rather than my image among other mothers.

    Having said that, then, when I found myself with a son who seemed to break records for doing things early, I was STILL tempted to play the game, of pretending I was somehow responsible for his brilliance in a genetic sort of way and downpalying the hard graft that went into his actually doing well and turning into a reasonable human being.

    This is the first time I've put all this into words so not sure how much sense I'm making, but will risk posting it anyway.

    One other thought: parents as a breed seem to prize VERY highly independence. As a parent of an adult child who will never be independent, I have often felt the disapproval of other parents (especially AE HE'ers) who seem to see it as a parenting failure of mine. However, I have come to learn to love the concept of INTER-dependence more, and believe that human society is all the richer for people like my daughter.

    Off at a slight tangent, I know.

    Mrs Anon

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  2. That's really sad and yet uplifting and enlightening, Mrs Anon. I've used a variety of parenting and teaching methods for my children and received a variety of reactions from other parents. I can't really say there's a pattern to it, but I can't really understand the 'going with the herd' thing either. We only have one childhood, so it doesn't or shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks. We have to do what's right for each child.

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  3. You make, as usual, perfect sense Mrs Anon. Actually, I had forgotten the early race to see whose child could walk, run or be the first to jump with both feet off the ground. I certainly know parents who compelled their ten month old baby to totter a few steps before falling flat on his face. This was done in private as an intensive coaching exercise so that the kid could walk at the next session of the playgroup.

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  4. I try to be pretty honest about our family's learning processes and styles because I find the whole thing rather interesting. I am also, these days, increasingly wary of appearing to 'sell' any kind of approach to anyone else. This is because six or seven years of home ed have made me realise that the people who find happy paths through the whole thing are the people who find *their own* paths.

    To be honest, Simon, I'm wondering where your worries now lie? Are you still concerned that those of us who might call ourselves autonomous home educators are not teaching our children - or that we are teaching our children and telling fibs about it?

    I teach my children as and when they ask to be taught - usually at an agreed time and to meet a specific goal. They also teach themselves a great deal and we learn from each other in informal ways. I call this autonomous home education because the children do not have to do any specific learning at anyone else's insistence and direct their own lives to a great extent. I make no claim that our way of living is any kind of educational grail - it's not perfect and it's not magic but it suits us fine.

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  5. They do pick things up for themselves. A classic was Kit asking his mother if it was true that girls can smell fear. I just asked him which cartoon he'd been watching. A useful discussion about reality and fiction, also helping with how to deal with adverts and vested interested.

    Early vocabulary is another - he'd use words that we didn't normally, so I'd try to work out where he'd learned them for my own interest.

    However, most learning involves reading, explanations and questions and more explanations and more questions and...

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  6. As for walking and talking - we look forward to the day when it happens, then the ensuing stream of chatter and the walking whirlwind of chaos makes us wonder why.

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  7. 'To be honest, Simon, I'm wondering where your worries now lie? Are you still concerned that those of us who might call ourselves autonomous home educators are not teaching our children - or that we are teaching our children and telling fibs about it?'

    I am simply musing about education, Allie. This particular phenomenon is at least as common with schooled children as it is with those taught at home and I have for some time been intrigued by it. As I say, I have friends who I know for a fact have coached their children in everything from walking to higher mathematics and then subsequently forgotten that they have done so. I was just wondering what the motive might be for this.

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  8. This is an interesting one for me. My DS was walking and talking at 8 months but didn't learn to jump until 3.5 and still at 5.5 can't ride a bike. Academically he is ahead of his peers, physically he is behind. My experience (outside the HE community) has been funny disapproving looks and even a few nasty comments about his abilities such as reading very well at 4 but lots of supportive comments such as 'don't worry he will get there' regarding his physical abilities. I do teach my son, we are not autonomous. I make no effort to hide that but I do point out to people that he does have choice in his learning, the choice between a, b or c in the morning and we do alot of work following his interests (mostly science) in the afternoon. I do often feel as though I have to defend the decision to be structured(ish) though. I'm sure some people think I'm some scary hothousing mother but I'm past caring.

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  9. I would say that schoolchildren are motivated by peer pressure to do a lot of things, whether they're really ready to or not. Kit never really showed much interest in riding a bike - I think he'd cracked it several years ago but hadn't realised it. Earlier this year he spent the day with another HE family who had a nice long driveway where he spent the day playing on a bike and acquired the confidence he had been lacking. Now he's happy on the bike, although it's not one of his top things to do.

    As for structure - if that's what works best for your family then stick at it. If it stops working then try something different.

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  10. old webb says-There is also, incidentally, a tendency to pretend that one does not permit visits from the local authority, this being another of those things that many parents are expected to give lip service to.

    No visits here by Local Authority officers! not one! June 23rd 2003 to date that is 8 years amazing my does time fly when your having fun LOL come on you only got 2 years left to attempt home visit! i want to tell them to clear off one my time please!

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  11. 'June 23rd 2003 to date that is 8 years '

    I think that you were very wise not to attempt to teach your son mathematics, Mr Williams.

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  12. "This particular phenomenon is at least as common with schooled children as it is with those taught at home and I have for some time been intrigued by it. "

    I suppose this is also linked to the older child/teenage view that it's not cool to study or be academic or bright, one of the reasons we chose to home educate.

    I think the various on-line and local groups vary greatly in this respect and I've been lucky because this type of behaviour does not seem common on the lists I follow or groups I've been a member of. I have seen what you describe on brief visits elsewhere and maybe the feelings of inadequacy caused were why the visits were brief! Quite glad to hear that they may have been exaggerating.

    I think I have gravitated to others of like mind (don't we all to some extent?) I know many AE who are happy to discuss teaching methods and how hard their children work and study when they are interested in a subject and I also know non-AE parents who are happy to discuss and pass on their (usually greater) knowledge of the various resources to me.

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  13. Webb says-I think that you were very wise not to attempt to teach your son mathematics, Mr Williams.

    i did teach him Maths at first but he got to advanced so had to hire private tutor!

    the most inportant thing is no home visits or meetings with LA officers have ever taking place and the SAO was burnt on County Councilor Dr Tony Ludlow fire he lives a few streets away nice man he is been very helpful to Peter! he was very cross about the lies HCC told to!

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  14. I missed this paragraph first time around:

    "The family who I mentioned yesterday, for example, claimed in the newspaper to be unknown to the council and said that if registration became compulsory they would leave the country. In fact, just as with many other autonomous educators, they enjoy a perfectly amicable relationship with their local HE advisor from the council. This is also common; quite a few parents have visits from their local authority and then keep quiet about it for fear of being thought Quislings!"

    The closest our local inspector has come to anyone in the family except me is to read the paper and watch the TV programme. Our LA is enlightened enough to hold regular meetings with home educators without expecting to take a register of attendees or have us followed to see where we live. We do have a specialist EHE inspector who understands AE, but when he retires or the council run out of budget to pay him, who knows what the next one might be like? Probably a county school inspector with fixed ideas about workbooks and subjects who is pressed into service to do some HE inspections alongside regular duties.

    As for leaving the country, that was real, based on previous experience of living in the US for a period. I had printed out copies of the paperwork ready to fill in, but fortunately have not yet needed it.

    We don't all just generate hot air for amusement, Simon, unlike most of your claims about us to date.

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  15. I said;

    'In fact, just as with many other autonomous educators, they enjoy a perfectly amicable relationship with their local HE advisor from the council. '



    David said;

    'In a discussion with my local inspector, he acknowledges that, given several years experience of inspecting home educators, he is now far more comfortable with autonomous education than he was when he first started the job, and that educational methods with which is happy now, would have worried him at the start.'

    I cannot offhand see any contradiction here.

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  16. 'To be honest, Simon, I'm wondering where your worries now lie? Are you still concerned that those of us who might call ourselves autonomous home educators are not teaching our children - or that we are teaching our children and telling fibs about it?'

    Just to spell out what I am saying here. I find that some home educating parents, just like those who send their children to school, cover up or forget how much teaching they have provided for their children. Other parents who might be considering home education then read an account of how some child 'just picked up' reading and then feels that it is not necessary to do anything'; the process will happen automatically. This is of course not so and I really don't need anybody to tell me that this is not what autonomous education means. The fact is, it happens. Since there are tens of thousands of children now being educated at home, the number of children who might fall into this category may be high and it concerns me.

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  17. I take issue with the "they" and "I". I have met the inspector, the family has not so I don't consider they have any sort of relationship with him, amicable or otherwise.

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  18. 'I take issue with the "they" and "I". '

    I have, it would appear, met my match in pedantry! I am happy to make it clear that only one member of the family from Cow Lane has actually met the local inspector and spoken amaicably with him. I have in the past myself deplored the sloppy and interchangable use of 'he' and 'they' and so I cannot reasonably object to being pulled up on it now.

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  19. There is a big difference between a general chat with an LA inspector about home education in general, probably not in the home educators home an inspection where the education of a single child is discussed in detail and judged to be suitable or otherwise. It's the difference talking to an LA employee about HE whilst helping a client where you might well not mention any details of Simone's education and one of your home inspections by a LA employee. This is hardly pedantry.

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  20. Sorry that doesn't read right, I'll try again - more haste, less speed.

    There is a big difference between a general chat with a LA inspector about home education in general, probably not in the home educators home, and an inspection where the education of a single child is discussed in detail and judged to be suitable or otherwise. It's like the difference between you talking to an LA employee about HE whilst helping a client during which you may not even mention any details of Simone's education, and one of your home inspections by a LA employee. This is hardly pedantry.

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  21. "I teach my children as and when they ask to be taught - usually at an agreed time and to meet a specific goal. They also teach themselves a great deal and we learn from each other in informal ways. I call this autonomous home education because the children do not have to do any specific learning at anyone else's insistence and direct their own lives to a great extent."

    Thank you, Allie! That's what I mean by "autonomous". When mine were little, I knew about the "apprenticeship" model of working with small children and so I trusted that reading to them, sharing books, pointing out amusing items in the paper, writing to relatives playing games with letters and sounds, etc. would all help to foster an interest in and understanding of the utility of literacy. When I discuss it now, I'd say that I did not teach; I do not suggest that I had nothing to do with it and that they picked it up by osmosis. However, we did not do "reading lessons" or work through any sort of scheme. DD started to spot letters and ask about them from about 2.5yo but phonics did not work for her. DS did not admit to reading until about 9 but he could spell from about 3 (much to DD's irritation at 5, LOL) so I did not get worried enough to try any formal teaching. I cannot say what I would have done if I had been unable to see any progress towards literacy. However, my view is also coloured by XH trying to force DS to read beginner books aloud and it failing miserably.

    It was pretty much the same for maths and other things. I provided purposive activities and a lot of interaction. I had an idea in my head of what I wanted to achieve by EHE - young adults with a purpose in life, who are caring to others, able to support themselves and responsible and who are "joiners". I had no preconceived idea about university, qualifications, jobs, etc. I also had an idea that I need to put in some effort to follow up things the DC said to help them achieve what they wanted - whether it was something that would last for a month or two or a lifelong interest.

    When I talk to people about EHE, I do often find myself recommending that the parents stands back - but that is often because we are talking about a child who is being withdrawn from school after a traumatic time and who needs to regain self-esteem and to trust that the parents are not going to reinforce the negative feelings engendered by school. So, do I qualify as a liar?

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  22. Thanks Allie and Shena!

    This is how I view AE. Glad I'm not the only one. I was beginning to wonder... Maybe Simon needs to read more widely and maybe question people about what actually happens and what resources were available to a child when he thinks a parent has said that their child learnt something without input or help.

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